spooktacular

my bones, etc.

Good news, bad news: my hair has been looking phenomenal lately and I have done nothing different! And, I have some absolutely bananas compressed nerve and vein thing going on in my shoulder that has taken my brain fully off the rails the last few weeks, ergo I have not been stacking the subs on here. But maybe if I describe the whole thing to you here, I can then also send the link to this post to the slew of doctors who keep passing me back and forth between their respective specialties. This can be like a repository of the whole thing, which is soooo much easier than me trying to remember all the things going on, or trying to remember to look at the list of symptoms I wrote down in my notebook. So actually this post is mostly for me, sry, but desperate times call for desperate measures!

SO, in laymen’s terms, I’m having this wacko problem where anytime anything touches my shoulders, I have constant muscle spasms along my shoulders and neck, which leads to my left upper trap muscle getting SO tense that it like, floats up to my ear, and then that compresses my thoracic outlet (a part of the human body that I, a comedy writer, shouldn’t have to know about!!), which is this little channel between your clavicle and your first rib that veins and arteries and nerves run through (don’t quote me on that, while I am an MD, I am not a doctor). So when it gets compressed, the blood and stuff isn’t going into your arm and your nerves are misfiring and that sends chaotic signals to your brain?? And brings on like, brain fog, dizziness, and fun little strips of numbness shooting down to your pinky! And I bet you’re thinking “that sounds shitty!” and while that is totally correct, I haven’t even told you about how, with enough gumption, this can also lead to lightly dislocating one of your bottom ribs! And that is actually the real kicker, because with either the shoulder sensory thing or the slipped rib thing individually, I could figure out something to wear. But together??!! A straight up nightmare.

Can someone who aced the LSAT answer this logic question?:

Megan can’t wear anything on her spasming shoulders, especially not bra straps, or else it feels like her arms are being pulled down into the depths of the earth by a demon spirit. Her left shoulder blade is fully off limits for any fabric contact. Even the lightest, thinnest tank top needs to be tucked in so that the weight of it is being held up by the hem rather than placing its full gravitational force downward. But, on many occassions, just standing up without a bra on puts enough downward pressure on her flared-up rib that it feels like she is dying. Regular strapless bras hit on the exact spot on the back of that rib that, when pressed, makes her feel like she’s falling backwards while also being stabbed with a manual citrus juicer. So those are out. In short, she needs clothing that does not touch the back of her shoulder blades or the area around them at all, but also does not pull down on the top of her shoulders at all, which excludes shirts that are two sizes too big (because the shoulder seams falling down off the shoulder messes with the garment’s center of gravity) and raglan sleeves.

I’m open to all suggestions! So far I’ve found this one very light cotton poplin puff sleeve top from the Gap that is tolerable most of the time (though not under any sort of jacket) and this very puffy short jacket from The North Face that has a drawcord at the waist so it basically holds the rest of the coat up like a puffy sculpture around my body, Michelin Man style. Somehow this down jacket is lighter than any fleece I own, or any piece of outerwear available at Uniqlo in the women’s or kids sections, so props to TNF team on that!

This whole thing is also complicating the choosing of a Halloween costume! There’s a 30% chance I dress up as a stick of Kerrygold butter tonight, because I have an old giant butter yellow polo (iykyk) from when I worked in an office with all dudes and whoever ordered the team shirts thought “No one could possibly need smaller than a men’s medium.” The polo’s big enough to pull down and wear as a skirt, then I can throw on a yellow spaghetti strap crop top, but tuck the straps in and pull the back down so it clears my shoulder blades completely. And I can draw/cut out the Kerrygold logo to tape along one side. Other costumes in consideration: a party pirate, a 2004 slumber party, Jessica Rabbit (but I really think the dress I have that would work for this is gonna hit too high on my back—and no, I obviously haven’t tried it on yet). It’s going to have to be a game time decision, because what hurts to wear changes by the hour, depending how tired my muscles are or if I grabbed something at a weird angle or some mystery third thing. It’s so fun out here! Thank god I’m an optimist, or this constant, debilitating challenge might take me the fuck out!

Anyway, hope you all have a happy Halloween—eat a lot of candy, brush your teeth, stay hydrated, and send answers to the logic question above.

xoxo gossip girl